Harry Potter and the Saucy Lobster
by Shades of Ink
Summary: Harry is very very prone to complaining about his miserable life until his magical fairy godfather saves him from the deadly jaws of starving, crazed rodents. After that... there really is no plot, is there?
1. Of Pansies and Crumpets

Discalimer: Harry Potter isn't mine, and neither is the all-powerful Remus Lupin who may or may not be featured in this random piece of insanity deemed fan fiction... and I don't own thneeds either...  
  
But Will Shakesie a.k.a. random old man is completely mine as I am still trying to trademark his pants. Don't ask, just nod your little heads.

...

Harry Potter and the Saucy Lobster

... Chapter One: Of Pansies and Crumpets ...  
  
One day, in a terrible, terrible place, Harry Potter was not happy.  
  
"I'm not happy."  
  
Suddenly, amidst the boy wizard's pathetic gloominess, his evil step-uncle blew his nose in Harry's general direction.  
  
"I wish you wouldn't do that," Harry muttered.  
  
"Why should it matter to you?" his step-uncle growled.  
  
"It's all over my face!"  
  
His step-uncle's face turned an angry shade of purple... then orange, green, periwinkle, and back to purple.  
  
"That's nifty!" Harry exclaimed, pointing at his step-uncle's face. "Why can't I do that?"  
  
"Shut up, you overgrown apple named Ferris!"  
  
Harry's lip trembled before biting his tears back. "I'm out of here!" the poor, tortured hero announced melodramatically.  
  
His step-uncle laughed maniacally. "You most certainly are not!"  
  
Harry stood up furiously - wand in hand, and owl under arm. "And why shouldn't I?"  
  
"No, no, it's 'Wherefore shall I not?', dear boy," a random old man whispered. "Trust me, it sounds better that way."  
  
Harry's mouth dropped open, staying open despite the buzzing fly that made the unfortunate decision to venture inside.  
  
"Sorry." The random old man disappeared.  
  
Anyway...  
  
"Why shouldn't I?" Harry cried anew, spitting out the fly.  
  
"Because you're chained to the wall with starving, crazed ferrets threatening to eat you alive," Uncle Vernon said frankly, with a twitch of a morbid grin. "Have fun!"  
  
Harry whimpered pathetically like the pansy we all know he is.  
  
Then, suddenly - as stories are prone to do when the hero is in his darkest hour of pansy-ness - a bright flash of light scared the ill-fed rodents away.  
  
Harry opened his eyes, gasping hard enough for the fly to be sucked back in.  
  
"Hello, Harry!" his fairy godfather exclaimed with a cheery smile. "Here, have a thneed."  
  
"What's a thneed?" he asked, choking.  
  
"I dunno... but everyone needs a thneed."  
  
"I thought you died!"  
  
Sirius laughed heartily. "Harry, don't you know that was only so I could get my pretty pink wings and my wand sparkle-ized with a star on the end?"  
  
"Oh," Harry mumbled. "I should have known."  
  
"Well, I'm here to get you out of this place."  
  
"To where?"  
  
"A magical castle, of course."  
  
"I'd really rather have some donuts..."  
  
Sirius looked as if he could spit out a fried potato any second. "You – you don't want to – to educate yourself in the ways of – of brilliant wizards before you who no doubt are highly intelligent and probably dead longer than – "  
  
"Snuffles?"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Hang on," Harry said, as his eye began to involuntarily twitch due to his lack of routine complaining. "What about Voldemort and all of that dark, evil stuff?"  
  
"They went on holiday."  
  
"Nifty! Can I go?"  
  
"You /are/ going, Harry."  
  
"But they might hurt me or kill me in nasty, nasty ways!"  
  
"Not with them, you're going to Hogwarts."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Magically... how else?"  
  
"Oh," he said. "Can I still get some donuts?"  
  
"What's this racket up here?" Uncle Vernon bellowed, storming back into the room.  
  
"It's me, you saucy lobster," Sirius said, patting Harry's evil step-uncle on the head. "Does it hurt losing your hair?"  
  
"Why you filthy little... who are you?"  
  
"Why, I'm the neighborhood ostrich."  
  
Uncle Vernon gazed at him for a moment - his eyes glazed over and his mouth wide open, conveying an utter look of pure stupidity. "Very well... carry on."  
  
"Have a crumpet!" the random old man proclaimed to Harry. "And don't forget to call this number for your very own pair of Will Shakes Pants!"  
  
"Who are you?" Harry asked in that puzzled voice reminiscent of the times when he was incredibly determined to figure out the plot several chapters after the reader had already concluded he must have been an idiot to have not figured anything out yet.  
  
The random old man advertising his pants gave a quick, shifty-eyed look, and jumped out the window inconspicuously.  
  
There was a moment of silence in which every character picked their noses. This, of course, being in no way relevant to the story, still had to be added for the sake of etiquette, as every character is aware that picking their noses while the story is going is incredibly rude. So, we will wait...  
  
"Sirius?" Harry asked. "Where exactly /did/ that veil lead to?"  
  
"Yes," Rowling found herself saying. "I have noticed a change in you."  
  
Sirius blushed.  
  
"A quest!" King Arthur proclaimed. "To the donut store in order to abash this awkward moment of silence for Brave Sir Black... may his secret never be told!"  
  
Harry pelted Arthur with a cudgel. "Go away!"  
  
And thus, the chapter was no more. 

...  
  
AN: May the Melancholy Crumpet forgive me for quoting her. Bwah... haha larfs  
  
Review, I say!

Oh, and if anyone knows who the random old man TRULY is... ten points for you!


	2. The Stray Danish

AN: Yay for Mr. Authordude!  
  
And I though the nickname 'Will Shakesie' was evidence enough of who the man was.  
  
Ah, well...  
  
...  
  
Chapter Two: The Stray Danish... and unintentional emphasis on pastries, once again  
  
...  
  
Ron came skipping up the street like the pansy we all know he is.  
  
"La la la..."  
  
"How pansy-like of you!" Harry exclaimed.  
  
"Let's be pansies together!"  
  
So Ron and Harry skipped along, arms linked as Sirius led them to the donut shop.  
  
Upon entering the donut shop, both boy wizards realized that the owner of the donut shop was very very scary-looking.  
  
"Um, Mr. Donut Man?" Ron asked.  
  
Mr. Donut man growled.  
  
"Can we have a donut?"  
  
"Hey, I want one, too!" Ron yelled.  
  
"Fine. Mister?"  
  
Donut man barked.  
  
"That's my job, that is!" cried Sirius indignantly.  
  
"Well I don't care!" the donut man bellowed.  
  
Harry squeaked. "How ominous of you Mr. Donut M – "  
  
"I am Lord Voldemort... looking for a day job and hidden in this very clever disguise!"  
  
Ron scratched his head. "I suppose the disguise is pretty useless now, eh?"  
  
The evil donut man swore under his breath. "Can we try that again?"  
  
Before Ron, Harry, or Sirius could answer, they were being pushed out the door. After a few moments of confused silence and mild toleration of Harry's jubilant symphony of stomach growling, they heard a muffled voice from inside calling them.  
  
"Customers? Feel free to come in!"  
  
Harry blinked at Ron, who sneezed.  
  
"It's alright! I'm just a nice little donut man selling very cheap pastries that have become stale over the years, but melt nicely in your mouth if you wait long enough!"  
  
"But I thought he said – "  
  
"Get in!"  
  
Half a dozen death eaters shoved them back inside. There was a collective "ow".  
  
"Hello, my loyal clients."  
  
"But I've never been here before – "  
  
"Silence!"  
  
Harry gulped.  
  
Ron whimpered. "Can I go now?"  
  
"No. We'll be friendly and talk like civilized people and become suddenly distracted by some random thing I have implanted into the scene for the sheer purpose of leeway for sneaking behind Harry and killing him."  
  
"Shall we go outside again and start over?" Ron proposed placidly.  
  
Harry smacked him for being such an idiot.  
  
Sirius led the way back out of and into the donut shop.  
  
"How are you this fine day, wonderful citizens of Great Britain?"  
  
"Say," Sirius said. "Where'd you get that danish?"  
  
"What danish?" the donut-selling Dark Wizard asked.  
  
Sirius indicated the pastry in question while Harry and Ron started playing patty-cake.  
  
"Oh," Voldemort said. "Er... I found it. On the ground."  
  
"You expect me to buy that?" Ron asked. "Ew."  
  
"But danishes are Danish!" Sirius exclaimed. "Don't they come from Denmark?"  
  
"Are you suggesting that danishes migrate?" the donut man asked.  
  
"No," Sirius said, laughing thoughtfully. "That's absurd... Or is it?"  
  
The malevolent baker waved his hand at one of his death eaters. "Nott. You take over."  
  
The death eater adorned himself with a nifty pink apron, and began stroking his chin pensively. "Suppose a swallow... carried the Danish while migrating?"  
  
"African or European?" Ron asked on impulse (don't we all?).  
  
"Why would an African swallow be in Europe?" Harry asked, losing once again in tic-tac-toe.  
  
"A swallow can't carry a Danish!" Sirius cried.  
  
"Sure they can!"  
  
"Not a cream-filled one..."  
  
"Now, have you ever seen a cream-filled danish?"  
  
"Have you ever been to Denmark?"  
  
"Yes, once, after being nominated Death Eater of the year."  
  
"Oh, how lovely!"  
  
So, while the two wizards conversed, Voldemort snuck up behind Harry while he wasn't expecting.  
  
"Boo."  
  
"Ah!"  
  
"Danish?" Ron asked through his full mouth.  
  
"Did you pay for that?" Voldemort asked warily.  
  
"No."  
  
"No? I'll lose my job if there are missing pastries!"  
  
Ron discarded the danish, and Harry sent a random hex in the donut man's general direction.  
  
"Run away!" they yelled.  
  
"If you don't mind," Sirius said. "I am having a highly intelligent conversation and/or reckless argument with – wahhh!"  
  
And so the three of them ran away, as was previously proposed.  
  
"A quest!" King Arthur proclaimed, brandishing his sword – a movement that nearly took the head off an old woman with no teeth and a partial wig. "We shall continue this haphazard plot in a similarly disorganized way while randomly sputtering spontaneous words that don't exist!"  
  
And thus, the author got bored with the chapter and ended it abruptly.  
  
...  
  
Maybe one more chapter, no? I dunno... I'm currently co-working on my more pastry oriented fic. Too bad I can't put links in chapters. It's on my profile.  
  
And I promise I'll introduce you all to the saucy lobster! 


End file.
